And · again

in the year of 2007:
i went to 4 rehab's
1 detox
ODed on heroin
got busted by the police
kicked my habit
gathered some clean time
broke relationships
discovered my self

All through my teens i was constantly looking for more excitement. Unfortunately in the year of 2007 i had enough to last a life time. For 2008 i wish for some inner fucking solace and peace. I hope to stay out of jail, away from dope, and close to good people and my program.

So a few days a go i was peeing in the Newport Alano Club and just started to cry. I've been in California for almost 4 months now. This is the place where i learned how to live in my own skin and finally figure out what's wrong with me and how to fix it. Two or three years ago the last place on earth i would have expected to be would be in rehab at an AA meeting in Orange County California.

I feel as if i've aged 4 years in the past few months. I feel old. I feel like i've seen way too much pain this year and i've lost my innocence for good. I also feel a freedom and peace that i have never had. It's like the light finally turned on for me. I get it. I know now why i couldn't make friends in high school. I get why going to the mall and being in a car full of painfully normal people makes me want to scream. I get why i feel at home surrounded by dope fiends, crack addicts, husslers, drug dealers, and stoners. But today i'm learning how to live life on life's terms. I'm figuring out the balance i need to have. I'm putting my self back together. I feel such a freedom in waking up everyday and not thinking "how am i going to score today?". Instead I wake up and am greatful for my health and the support of my family. I am greatful that i do not need to pick up today. And i am greatful that there are no bars on my windows.

I'm going to miss California and the healing sunshine. This is the place where i got better. But i need to go to my home now and learn how to live there. I want to rekindle friendships that have been shelved. I want to develop a strong NA and AA community. A little over 70 days ago i was in a bathroom chopping up a pill on my hands and knees sweating and searching the cracks in the floor tiles for a small piece i had dropped. The shower was running so no one could hear me. My heart was racing over the fear of getting caught. Nothing mattered. I had to find that piece. Without it i felt as if i would die. I was so trapped. My own brain had betrayed me.

Today i am so much more free. I have so much more life ahead of me and i dont know what's going to happen. I'm just really excited that i have today to be alive. I'm really excited to come home and finally start my life.

I just got back from Montana. I went to court and it went really well. Three years probation and if i fuck up i could do up to 20 years. So i'll have to jump through a lot of hoops when i come back to Seattle but all in all everything has worked out really well. Shit could have been a lot worse. It can always get worse...

I come home in about 4 weeks. I'll be living and working in the north end. I dont know what i'm going to do about school. I dont think ill go back until next year. I have so much shit to do for my PO and for housing and for my out patient classes. I dont know if i can also handle school.

I can't believe thanksgiving is next week. I went swimming in the ocean yesterday and it was beautiful. I think i could live here in the protective sunny bubble of Orange County. But i need to at least see what itll be like living on my own in Seattle. If i sucks ill just move back down here. But Seattle's my home so i want to try and make that work.

I dont know if i can live my life with out drugs and alcohol but somehow i have to becuase i go to court next week and get booked then start my 3 year probation term.

but on the other hand i am so greatful for the insanity of my life becuase it makes me aware of my humanity. constantly.

60 more days in Cali

30 more days until court

i miss all you people who i never talk to.

Soooo a big F Y I post:

I am now living in Orange County calif...close to newport beach. I'm living in a sober living house. It is sunny every day here and there are no fat people in california,...and no ugly people. Everything and everyone is beautiful....and im so sober. So god damned sober. And this is the fucking hardest thing ive ever had to do.

And i ruined one of the best thing i ever had.

but i guess im started a new life.

so just thought id let you know

peace and love,
me

So first its off to California to rehab shop then its off to Montana to get booked then its back to Seattle THEN its back to r-r-r-rehab. This time an extended program.

Im just pretending like none of this is happening.

It's not real.

It took under two weeks for all the walls my life was bound by to crumble. Every single safetey net broken, every line crossed, every worse casenario reached. I just got out of the hospital and now i have to go to Montana for court. Im looking at 5 years or 3 years intensive probation. I'm also looking at rehab--for a third time. This time in Canada for a few months.  I have never felt so alone in my life before. I dont have a boyfriend or anyone who can possibly understand what im going through.

Okay so the other day i was on erowid reading this mushroom expierences, because im a dork, and i came acrross this one that i wanted to share with you guys just because it was so beautiful. And i can totally understand this expierence. When i've eaten mushrooms ive always been to scared to fully immerse my seld in the other world...just skirting the edges of an another universe. But this person seemed to have fully immerged themselves in this other place so it was really cool to read. just click above.

So today was my 1st day of work. Working at starbucks is going to be crazy. My boss' husband is my tatto artist. It's odd.

But anyways. today was an odd day. I have cravings for strange things.

and all thats left is a mark...reminding me of what i'm not missing.

maybe this was all neessary

OH MY GOD DANNY AND HANNAH ARE COMING TO SEE ME

ohmygodicantevencontainmyexcitmentfuckingshitohmygod

Ahhh i feel so loved

So, i got a job at Starbucks. I would have rather gotten a job at cafe Ladro but they wern't hiring. I don't like starbucks coffee but it'll be a good job. I'm looking forward to moving out and hopefully road tripping to Montana and Arizona.

On  another note my psychiatrist  perscribed me adderall. I don't know how i feel about it. I'm excited because it helps with my home work so much but i also abused it sooo much. We'll just have to see what happens.

Also the past 30 days i have been clean of all booze pot and everything inbetween. Sober fun. that is the hardest one of all. I'm trying so hard to re learn how to have fun. I don't really even know where to start.

TODAY IS:

• father's day
• 30 days clean for me
• the day  i found the scap of paper emily left for me
• i was reunited with 3 amazing people that i spent days grieving over
• my legal situation took a positive turn
• the day i found some fucking solace

2007 has turned out to be the single most eventful year of my life..and its not ever over yet.

The other day i was smoking a cigerette with this scraggly crack head from Texas, and he was complaining about his possesion charges. I looked at him then down at my self and just started laughing. Laughing with tears rolling down my face. I looked back at him and said "my life is ridiculous. I've gone to Catholic school ALL my life and i am facing 4 felonies. My charges are the worst of anyone here...and i am 19 and have gone to catholic school all my life. What the fuck!."

Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Me and my life are ridiculous.

And in that moment, as time freezes around you as the chaos spins, you realize that an accumulation of small and large events have lead up to this  monumental moment.

Where do you go from here?

I have a new cell phone number if you want it just call my house or leave a message.

As all the pieces are slowly coming together i'm realizing it's gunna be a damn ugly picture.

Weeks go by soo fast here. Tomorrow is friday again! And it's a 3 day weekend.

I'm soory, i'm sorry, I really am. But what do i do about it? How do i make this work?

Well i've been back for awhile and i'm surprised that i actually miss home. staying at Hannah's house rocked. We partied it up in Townsend and got about 5 hours of sleep in 2 days. My body is fucking wasted. We started off the semester on the right foot by drinking champagne and smoking an 8th.

This Saturday is going to be amazing. I can't even wait for the beauty of it.